"How sub are you?"

Or otherwise entitled "How to never meet me"

I get this question a lot and I don't understand why... it is outlined quite clearly on my website and I have a number of reviews detailing unspeakable acts of debauchery that I took part in with vigor. Submission for me is pleasing your (current) Dominant in which ever way that might be... so although I can't answer the question without meeting you and knowing your specific requirements Sir, in the interest of pleasing... let me give me a try.



I am so submissive that I manage to get tied in knots.

I am so submissive that I seem to always get into trouble

Therefore

I am so submissive that I get spanked

I am so submissive that I get scolded

I am so submissive that I can follow instructions... sometimes!

I am so submissive that I will kneel on the floor without question

I am so submissive that I will not answer back

I am so submissive that I will accept your authority without question... unless its too easy!

I am so submissive that I will dress up to please you

The Bratwatchers Guide.

I don't know if its the heat but I think I may have actually out Bratted myself this summer.

(And its still August)

So since I have won Brat Of The Week again I thought I better write a speech blog to celebrate.

From Princess Tantrums over spilt Champagne and sulking because I can't buy my new shoes yet the trouble seems to have reached highs of epic proportions and even the most seasoned of spankers are having trouble taking me (ahem) in hand.

I have included a short guide on how to spot a brats Princess Tantum. This could be useful to those in and around the Marylebone area of London... I hear there's a particularly turbulent one running riot around there...

The Princess Tantrum.
The Bratwatchers Guide

1. The Foot Stamp.

I tend to favor the right foot and usually performed with crossed arms and a pout when I'm told I cant have/ do something.

2. The smirk.

Usually but not always after the foot stamp upon deciding to have/do the forbidden thing anyway, also used when Brat knows she's in trouble but isn't ready to admit it yet.

3. The Please Please Please.

Does not mean please. Closes English translation is "I want I want I want" but Please sounds better than that and this is a Princess Tantrum.

4. The Flounce.

Verb: Go or move in an exaggeratedly impatient or angry manner.

Upon not getting one's own way.

5. The Spring.

The spring is when Brat springs up from her chair every times she sits down after her tantrum as it is usually followed by a good spanking.

Misbehaving again

I once heard a joke about an American psychologist who wanted to do some research regarding the sexual preferences of men who watched porn compared with those who didn't. Of course he never did his study because he couldn't find a single man who didn't watch porn.

So I know you'll have all seen at least one movie about the plumber coming to visit and fixing the hot girls "sink" and having the time of his life. It wasn't my sink it was the entire bathroom.

I came in on Saturday morning to find water all of the floor of pretty much my entire flat. After laughing at how funny it looked and taking my heels off the reality kind of hit me. When the plumber came he was not up for it either, he just looked annoyed that I got him up to com over on a Saturday morning. understandably and that he knew he wasn''t going to leave till the end of the afternoon. Which was wrong. He left at 8pm. Oops!

So I am extremely sorry to everyone I had to cancel on Saturday and thank you for being understanding. You all know I would have much rather been shagged stupid than held a torch for a man who was more excited by the prospect of fitting new taps than spanking my bottom. 

The silver lining of this is since I obviously couldn't have visitors so I went shopping. So my collection of filth has once again expanded.

Happy St Patricks and a Dilemma...

Firstly Happy St Patricks Day all all my Irish friends and everyone else.

This year Blondie told me that St Patrick chased all the snakes out of Ireland so they could drink their Guinness in peace which was what I should have been letting her do instead of wondering who St Patrick actually was, but shes Irish so she much be right!

Onto my dilemma. It was James (my ex boyf I'm still friends with)'s birthday on Sunday but as far as I know he was busy and I was drunk- see previous paragraph for details. So me and his most recent Ex Girlf who happens to look and act exactly like me hatched a plan.

STRINGFELLOWS.

Why not?

I haven't been for years and I'm pretty sure XG2 has never been. So, here's the question... what do you men like to eat?

All suggestions welcome and bonus points for anything I can get hold of in Covent Garden!

Calling all Billionaires

I have spent the best part of three days wondering how on earth I am going to write a review for a film with no story based on a book which is rather inaccurate "mummy" erotica with a pathetic female protagonist. And I very nearly didn't bother.

"What would I get out of all this?" Ana Steele
Not much I'm afraid. The film was rather bland with terrible acting and a sparse story line with artistic, stylised sex scenes to try to make it more interesting. I saw it a few weeks ago with Blondie and she had to keep shushing my signs of despair. Even she didn't enjoy it in the end.
The best part was definitely the soundtrack- Emma and I are hooked on Ellie Gouldings "Love me like you do". Fortunately this track was played over the helicopter scene with awesome views of Seattle, that I enjoyed.

"I don't make love. I fuck... hard" Christian Grey
This pretty much ruined the entire movie for me, after getting into the erotic mood that was beginning to come across complete with gifts like new sports cars, first editions, Apple laptop's. Trips to Seattle (in private helicopters) to his private penthouse- then he drops this bomb? Really? I did laugh. I'm sure they could have phrased this to sound less cringe and more domineering...


"The Red Room Of Pain"
What I did disagree with immensely was the way he used the flogger on her. (By the way it was a damn nice flogger so if anyone recognises where its from let me know!) Some people may be into heavy flogging on their stomach but I can't see how it can be healthy, I'm pretty sure we have internal organs there which could be seriously hurt. Which brings me onto the final Red Room scene. Belting her like that? She was crying and obviously not enjoying it. Even without a safeword he should have known to stop that. Its only saying to society that because he's into kink that when he's mad he can hurt her like that. Not warm up and after only taking implements for a few days prior. Can that really be the message that should be sent across?
So anyway. Is it that easy? 
I should think about this logically...
Ana is 21, an English literature student, a brunette, a submissive and a virgin. Like me.
Christian is 28, haughty, rather intelligent and wears a suit for work. Like Ace. (A Billionaire?)
Can it be that easy?

A bit over dramatic, but they did get the names of everything correct and the rope work was accurate (shibari geek much). But isn't referring to in in that sense making it sound scary? I didn't think BDSM was to do with being scared, anticipation yes... and a bit of pain here and there to make it interesting but scary is a different thing altogether. It makes me think of a medieval convent that's gone a bit awry or something from American Horror Story. I've worked and played in lots of dungeons around London and I have never been scared of them or their implements/ contraptions. 

Obligatory Valentines Day Post [Late]

I had to do it eventually so here goes...

Rather than rambling on about what I like and don't about Valentines Day I thought I'd list weird things instead... because lets be honest- every day is Valentines Day for me!

5. Letters to Juliet.

Not just a movie. Which is something I didn't know was a thing either but I'm going to watch it tonight. But thousands of people send letters into Verona all year but mostly on Valentines day addressed "Dear Juliet". What a lovely thing to do I thought to myself- thousands of love letters!
Wrong.
They are mostly letters with love problems who ask Juliet for help. She can't help, she was a 14 year old who ran off with the rebellious lad down the road then killed herself instead of thinking it through. Go eat some chocolate and cry you stupid bitches!

4. Girls ate unusual food to make them think of their future partner.
I actually tried this. I went to Shaka Zulu during the week before the 14th which is a bar/club by night and a trendy African restaurant during the day- well worth a visit if you're in town! In the spirit of ordering bizarre things I opted for ostrich burger and a shared starter of crocodile cigars. It made me think of Russell Crowe, so who knows...

3. The 1800's were busy.
Doctors in the 1800's advised heartbroken romantics to eat chocolate to fill the gaping void that lacking a sweetheart, left in their chests. Perhaps that's where "sweet"heart comes from? Either way by the late 1800's Richard Cadbury had began producing Valentines Day chocolate boxes. On a separate note Alexander Graham Bell applied for his patent for the telephone on Valentines Day 1876. I am thankful for this Call Girl sounds a lot better than Carrier Pigeon Girl

2. In Finland Valentines Day is translated into Friends Day.
I can only assume this means you should go and get lashed with the girls rather than watch 50 shades of Grey with your other half (see next blog for review). More than likely though one should go one a date with one of the poor guys you've friendzoned which leads me into the most unusual thing about Valentines day...

1. I had a date with a man.
Other than being 20 minutes late thanks to traffic at Trafalgar Square, I showed up to a wonderful tequila bar in Covent Garden to a (now friendzoned) decent bloke. Bar came complete with sombrero wearing Mexicans and a fabulous list of Margaritas which I got right on.

...Around Margarita number 4...

 Mr Valentine says "Don't you have work tomorrow?"
Charlotte with no brain "Oh yes but its a photoshoot in the afternoon!"
Mr Valentine "Oh wow you're a model!"
Charlotte with brain working "Yes, a fashion model in fact, but I'm freelance and only do runway so don't try to find any pictures..."
Mr Valentine "ah thank god... I thought you might have been into that weird S&M bollocks"

Weird S&M bollocks you say...?

Addiction Level: Slut.

As my twitter followers know very well if I'm not too busy I start putting together new outfits (its worse now I have a sewing machine.

These are my two newest... and I have a PVC maid one but that's a surprise for later...

My costume collection has expanded from fitting into my handbag two years ago to filling two wardrobes,and six draws (IKEA draws by the way, not a little cabinet). 

My first costume was a tacky pink schoolgirl one piece dress. How embarrassing. The best part was when on leaving a sketchy hotel in a sketchy part of town I forgot to wipe off my freckles off and wondered why I was getting funny looks from the hotel staff. Dire!

There's a reason I prefer incall, plus can you imagine the looks I'd get in Parklane trying to drag my F Machine out of the back of a taxi! Oh dear... I'm sure it would only happen to me...

"Can I help you with your bags Madam?"

I probably shouldn't have bought another nurse costume though... that makes it up to 10 that I have... but then again I didn't have a pink one so I think its justified. And lets be honest, with a name like General Punishment I couldn't resist the other one. Camouflage is so 2013... and the skirt rides up perfectly. If I do say so myself.