Happy St Patricks and a Dilemma...

Firstly Happy St Patricks Day all all my Irish friends and everyone else.

This year Blondie told me that St Patrick chased all the snakes out of Ireland so they could drink their Guinness in peace which was what I should have been letting her do instead of wondering who St Patrick actually was, but shes Irish so she much be right!

Onto my dilemma. It was James (my ex boyf I'm still friends with)'s birthday on Sunday but as far as I know he was busy and I was drunk- see previous paragraph for details. So me and his most recent Ex Girlf who happens to look and act exactly like me hatched a plan.

STRINGFELLOWS.

Why not?

I haven't been for years and I'm pretty sure XG2 has never been. So, here's the question... what do you men like to eat?

All suggestions welcome and bonus points for anything I can get hold of in Covent Garden!

Calling all Billionaires

I have spent the best part of three days wondering how on earth I am going to write a review for a film with no story based on a book which is rather inaccurate "mummy" erotica with a pathetic female protagonist. And I very nearly didn't bother.

"What would I get out of all this?" Ana Steele
Not much I'm afraid. The film was rather bland with terrible acting and a sparse story line with artistic, stylised sex scenes to try to make it more interesting. I saw it a few weeks ago with Blondie and she had to keep shushing my signs of despair. Even she didn't enjoy it in the end.
The best part was definitely the soundtrack- Emma and I are hooked on Ellie Gouldings "Love me like you do". Fortunately this track was played over the helicopter scene with awesome views of Seattle, that I enjoyed.

"I don't make love. I fuck... hard" Christian Grey
This pretty much ruined the entire movie for me, after getting into the erotic mood that was beginning to come across complete with gifts like new sports cars, first editions, Apple laptop's. Trips to Seattle (in private helicopters) to his private penthouse- then he drops this bomb? Really? I did laugh. I'm sure they could have phrased this to sound less cringe and more domineering...


"The Red Room Of Pain"
What I did disagree with immensely was the way he used the flogger on her. (By the way it was a damn nice flogger so if anyone recognises where its from let me know!) Some people may be into heavy flogging on their stomach but I can't see how it can be healthy, I'm pretty sure we have internal organs there which could be seriously hurt. Which brings me onto the final Red Room scene. Belting her like that? She was crying and obviously not enjoying it. Even without a safeword he should have known to stop that. Its only saying to society that because he's into kink that when he's mad he can hurt her like that. Not warm up and after only taking implements for a few days prior. Can that really be the message that should be sent across?
So anyway. Is it that easy? 
I should think about this logically...
Ana is 21, an English literature student, a brunette, a submissive and a virgin. Like me.
Christian is 28, haughty, rather intelligent and wears a suit for work. Like Ace. (A Billionaire?)
Can it be that easy?

A bit over dramatic, but they did get the names of everything correct and the rope work was accurate (shibari geek much). But isn't referring to in in that sense making it sound scary? I didn't think BDSM was to do with being scared, anticipation yes... and a bit of pain here and there to make it interesting but scary is a different thing altogether. It makes me think of a medieval convent that's gone a bit awry or something from American Horror Story. I've worked and played in lots of dungeons around London and I have never been scared of them or their implements/ contraptions. 

Obligatory Valentines Day Post [Late]

I had to do it eventually so here goes...

Rather than rambling on about what I like and don't about Valentines Day I thought I'd list weird things instead... because lets be honest- every day is Valentines Day for me!

5. Letters to Juliet.

Not just a movie. Which is something I didn't know was a thing either but I'm going to watch it tonight. But thousands of people send letters into Verona all year but mostly on Valentines day addressed "Dear Juliet". What a lovely thing to do I thought to myself- thousands of love letters!
Wrong.
They are mostly letters with love problems who ask Juliet for help. She can't help, she was a 14 year old who ran off with the rebellious lad down the road then killed herself instead of thinking it through. Go eat some chocolate and cry you stupid bitches!

4. Girls ate unusual food to make them think of their future partner.
I actually tried this. I went to Shaka Zulu during the week before the 14th which is a bar/club by night and a trendy African restaurant during the day- well worth a visit if you're in town! In the spirit of ordering bizarre things I opted for ostrich burger and a shared starter of crocodile cigars. It made me think of Russell Crowe, so who knows...

3. The 1800's were busy.
Doctors in the 1800's advised heartbroken romantics to eat chocolate to fill the gaping void that lacking a sweetheart, left in their chests. Perhaps that's where "sweet"heart comes from? Either way by the late 1800's Richard Cadbury had began producing Valentines Day chocolate boxes. On a separate note Alexander Graham Bell applied for his patent for the telephone on Valentines Day 1876. I am thankful for this Call Girl sounds a lot better than Carrier Pigeon Girl

2. In Finland Valentines Day is translated into Friends Day.
I can only assume this means you should go and get lashed with the girls rather than watch 50 shades of Grey with your other half (see next blog for review). More than likely though one should go one a date with one of the poor guys you've friendzoned which leads me into the most unusual thing about Valentines day...

1. I had a date with a man.
Other than being 20 minutes late thanks to traffic at Trafalgar Square, I showed up to a wonderful tequila bar in Covent Garden to a (now friendzoned) decent bloke. Bar came complete with sombrero wearing Mexicans and a fabulous list of Margaritas which I got right on.

...Around Margarita number 4...

 Mr Valentine says "Don't you have work tomorrow?"
Charlotte with no brain "Oh yes but its a photoshoot in the afternoon!"
Mr Valentine "Oh wow you're a model!"
Charlotte with brain working "Yes, a fashion model in fact, but I'm freelance and only do runway so don't try to find any pictures..."
Mr Valentine "ah thank god... I thought you might have been into that weird S&M bollocks"

Weird S&M bollocks you say...?

Addiction Level: Slut.

As my twitter followers know very well if I'm not too busy I start putting together new outfits (its worse now I have a sewing machine.

These are my two newest... and I have a PVC maid one but that's a surprise for later...

My costume collection has expanded from fitting into my handbag two years ago to filling two wardrobes,and six draws (IKEA draws by the way, not a little cabinet). 

My first costume was a tacky pink schoolgirl one piece dress. How embarrassing. The best part was when on leaving a sketchy hotel in a sketchy part of town I forgot to wipe off my freckles off and wondered why I was getting funny looks from the hotel staff. Dire!

There's a reason I prefer incall, plus can you imagine the looks I'd get in Parklane trying to drag my F Machine out of the back of a taxi! Oh dear... I'm sure it would only happen to me...

"Can I help you with your bags Madam?"

I probably shouldn't have bought another nurse costume though... that makes it up to 10 that I have... but then again I didn't have a pink one so I think its justified. And lets be honest, with a name like General Punishment I couldn't resist the other one. Camouflage is so 2013... and the skirt rides up perfectly. If I do say so myself.

Early Bird

Otherwise known as why getting up at 5am is better than 7am.

I get more done between 5 and 9 then 9 to 5.

I could never work a 9 to 5. Mostly because I hate rush hour and I have my also morning person personal trainer most mornings 9-10. All my fun begins around 11 and I couldn't possibly miss that!

Luckily this is London and Harmony (you all know how I love that shop) opens at 9am which is perfect if I can convince the PT that 9:30 is a better time to train. Oh the looks I've got walking into the gym on a morning dripping with blatantly obviously black shiny sex shop bags and a smile like the Cheshire Cat.

Morning is also smoothie time. I love making a mess. I can't even help it. Ask Ace... But since I got my new blender just before Christmas making a mess has been top of my list on a morning.

However I'm a speedy kind of girl and although mornings are rather busy I always get finished with... "me" time to spare...

Decadent December

As well you know Sir I am a nefarious little creature, more than a little prone to getting myself into wicked situations.

Unfortunately I have let myself get behind on my blogs (I know exactly who will be coming to straighten that out) so here is my account of one of my more hilarious night's in the last month of 2014 and what a jolly good time I had.

Well I think I out partied Paris Hilton and was so cheeky Betty Boop would have blushed. Which is saying something.

It all started when Blondie called me suggesting we had a night out. As I'd missed her birthday drinks due to an early morning spanking commitment (naughty Charlotte) I was obliged to accept the invitation. She took me to a fetish club. No jokes.

Charlotte's Top Five Unbelievable Things That Actually Happened In Said Club.

1. Tossed Blondie's pole dancer girl fiend off the pole and gave her a quick "how to" on not looking like an idiot. Then proceed to walk in on the two of them fucking. (Cheer's B!)
2. Drank half a glass of tequila. Then another. Then another. NB This might seem quite believe able but it was cheap and nasty taking a shot is unbelievable.
3. Having to teach my best friend to cane a man. In latex. Over the bar. 
4. Finding to my great amusement that I can actually talk my way into everything, even an unfortunate Oxford Grad's flat in Chelsea. #slut
5. Realising that group sessions actually are quite fun, even after all my constant rants about "How shagging more than 3 other people at once works" Because I have learnt it does.

Lets talk about the next day.

I was obviously drunk in the morning so after a brief God-Help-Me sober up stop at Brinkley's (If anyone every wants to bring me breakfast from there you don't need to ask just do) we hit Oxford Street to buy clothes, shoes and otherwise laugh at everything in a santa hat, namely in Ann Summers. Blondie looked about and I rang my receptionist who asked where I was.

"I'm in Ann Summers at Marble Arch" I replied perhaps a tad too loud "but don't worry I won't be buying anything- I already own all the Giles Deacon and the rest is tacky!" Without a doubt too loud.

Blondie slunk to the counter and paid for her barely there lingerie which yes, was Giles Deacon. The staff were not impressed and the security guard looked like he wanted to put us over his knee himself! Not that I'd have minded anyway.

Lines due before 15/12/2014 13:00

I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
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I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
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I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
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I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
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I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
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I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
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I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.
I have been a little madam since I've been here and will take a sound spanking from Sir.

Or will I...